37 Useful Philosophies for Life

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone 20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Telling a man to go to hell and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to go to hell and have them be happy to be on their way.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.


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