Bad Jokes

A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?"
The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday". 

met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He's bisatchel.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."


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