More Bad Jokes

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

So I went to the dentist. The dentist said say "Aahh".
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said, 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But  I think it's Colin.

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I went out driving to do some shopping and parked my car.
Someone left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
"Ahh that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Bloke goes to the doctors with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his bum.
Doctor says "hmmmm that's strange"
Bloke replies "that's just the tip of the iceberg"

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a-salted

A  jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start  anything."

A  sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a  bra.

A  man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the  road."

Two  cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no  bull!"

Two  hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."  The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies,
"Yes,I'm positive..."

I  went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "no, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of  muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A  man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I  know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to  a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.


 

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